used to be my life was just emotions passing by.

hmm. I wanna blog about something but I’m sick of all this emo-ness so I’m passing.

I’m blogging cause Mr. Bridge-maker is supposed to be on google-talk to chat but he’s nowhere in sight. ARGH HATE THIS.

so anyway, I saw this on threadless so cuuute. “I’m in love with life but life wants to be ’just friends’ “. HAHAHA. Really made me laugh like hell/. I miss my office I miss the weird guys who work there and the weird room we work in and the strange ticking noise. I know everything happens for a reason. But really everyday with these kids is killing me. I think I’m gonna lose my sanity soon. But I need to stick it out cause I’ve got no choice and I really really really really need the money.

I don’t understand how people can be so real and genuine. So honestly real bout who they are where they came from and how much they don’t know where the hell they’re going. I really appreciate it and wonder if I’ll ever be able to be the same.

So ADDICTED to oldies these days y’know. Like seriously flashback to the 80s and the 90s. Its the only thing that’s keeping me sane and reminding me of who I am. I wonder how much it’ll break you if I tell you my identity is tied to my faith so strongly that I’ll completely lose all sense of priscy-ness if I lost it. I wonder if you’ll be able to take it. I wonder if you’ll be there. I wonder if you’ll try to pull me out of it.

still lonely but not as desperate and slowly but surely gaining some sense of sanity back. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

-if you’ll still love me tommorrow

without being disrespectful.

Haven’t finished the first draft of the anthopology series for this year yet WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING. Urgh, its due this friday. Looks like,once again, I can’t blame the world for my tardiness that causes me to miss amazing opportuinties.(I really can’t be bothered to look up the spelling of this word)

Just got told that I have to go to the STUDENT CARE CENTRE. I DON’T WANNA.. Talking bout work, work’s really fun and exciting and I’m bonding with my existing and new friends tooooo. LOVE WEBCAMING.

I want to fly away, it doesn’t matter if its soo far I haven’t heard of the language or knew those sorta of tribal ppl existed. I want to go nowwww. I mean it. Why don’t those who are away from everything they know and love relish in the distance and enjoy the foreign-(ness?) SIGH. WISH YOU WERE HERE.

xoxo

i’ve forgotten what i started fighting for.

VIBS IF YOU’RE READING THIS I GOT GOOGLE TALK BUT I DON’T KNW WHAT YOUR GMAIL ADD IS SO ADD ME I’M PRISCYDORA@GMAIL.COM. ASAP SLUT.

So the weird obssession has subsided, for all those unfortunate enough to have had to endure the compulsive urges, I deeply apologise. OHMAN I freaking deeply apologise.

Okay, onto what I really wanna blog about. Normally, I shy away from blogging bout christian stuff cause I think my spiritual journey is mine and God’s alone. But I need to do this here and now before I start shaking violently and rocking to the rhythm of the weird voices in my head. (YES THEY’RE THERE AND FREAKING REAL)

Moving on.

Sometimes, I feel really guilty bout doing/saying the things I do. It’s as if my body works faster than my brain and I fail to process the things I say/do. This walk is getting more slippery and scary and I feel like I’m losing my footing, I’m no longer as grounded as I was. I need to go back to simpler things and decide once and for all what I really really want. It’s one or the other. God hates lukewarm christians. I can’t live my life for myself anymore, I have to look beyond myself. Live my life for God.

 How?

 I’m so used to doing the things that come naturally. Proud that nothing influences my decisions. But now, I have to think more than twice before I commit myself to something- anything. I’m lost but I’m gonna do what’s called of me. I’m ready, I guess ,for commitment. I’m always telling myself that I’m young, I have to make all the mistakes I can in my lifetime and chuck them within these few years. But no, I need to stop taking the easy way out. If I’m gonna be comitted might as well go all the way. if not really there isn’t any point. Easier said than done though.

Know sometimes, I wish I could just escape beyond this human earth, I don’t know get abducted by aliens or something crazy like that. Ooh I’ve got a list

1.  Get lost in the Bermuda Triangle
2.  Get comic-bookfied and have my own super hero with the lamest super powers (shower realy fast holla Mr. Bridgemaker)
3.  Go teeeeny tiiiiny like the sho “Honey! I shrunk the kids”
4.  Get trapped in a glass box in outer space
5.  Go on an adventure with REAL LIFE PIRATES. None of that Jack Sparrows nonsense
6.  Have my Serendipity moment twirled with Sleepless in Seattle and a little My Best Friend’s Wedding thrown in tooo. 
7.  Be in a sugar ray musci video
8. Be lost on a desert island with GlenCampbell/Mark McGrath
9. Say sorry to Arnold cause he’s no longer on my list
10. Become a serial killer for a day and fulfill my inner need for violence. (Fierce roaring)
11. Become a letter in cyber-space
12. Be a rockstar by day and MYSTERIOUS WOMAN by night (I’ll come up with a better villian name next time)
13. Become an eyebrow.

come to the centre and tell me your names.

what the heck is with superficiality these days

why so obsessed with wanting to overhaul the way ppl seeyou. SERIOUSLY even the mildest sweetest looking ppl have this innate desire to let theirs inner stardom shine through

im scared. idk if im doing the right thing or not

man do i need a sign

gimmie one yo

pls.

NICE. JUST DIDNT KNOW IT’LL BE SO SOON

their faces fade as the years go by.

I’m lost in a widerness of emotions that I never knew were even there. I’m not only lost and confused I am more annoyed than ever.  WHY CAN’T EVERYTHING BE THAT MUCH SIMPLER? I swear as things go on the tears are getting so much easier to let go. They just flow holding my pain carrying them far away. Then 5 seconds later that very same pain comes back with the ferocity of cancer after remission. I don’t understand if you really didn’t want me  to get into this then why even bother putting me in it in the first place? I’m trying to get better y’know I am, really! The better I get the more oppotunities I get. But they just don’t give me a chance to try. I don’t even get that platform. Am i hungry/desperate? Yea sure why not?! After all these years of just sitting back and doing nothing I want to get involved. I want to stand up and say not only do I give a shit I’m willing to sacrifice all I freaking have for this shit. Whatever you want c’mon bring it I’ll do it man, but you gotta let me freaking try. Am i not ready, not mature enough. Not whole enough. Tell me. Give me a sign. i KNOW i have my flaws and my doubts. They’re still there they haven’t changed. But I”m not gonna wait around waiting for them to be resolved before I do something. I know I can influence others even if I can’t at least I’m willing to die trying. So use me man! I’m here freaking geared up and ready to go. So what the hell are we waiting for, pardon the pun.

filled with places i can’t reach.

I feel sad:( . Mr. Bridge Maker if you’re reading this, you KNOW who you are, you’ve been like the ” Hmm… this happened to me today I’m gonna call him otw home” person for so long that without it well to quote Bella (just cause it’s so lame and annoying and well ridiculously amusing), “It’s like a huge hole’s been punched into my.. heart? body?” Heck it. But seriously. make contact k? I miss you/ enuff said.

On a more jovial note, christmas is coming. Well doesn’t feel that christmassy actually… so that was a pathetic attempt and making this light and happy heh?

Just heard chris daughtry’s version of poker face. Ohman awesome. Gotta be that bald head dude, does wonders for this indian chick.

Basically everyone’s overseas now and I kinda like it cause I’m waaay too busy to bother. But still ohsojealous. Anywho on the side of job searching pls note the following:

1. Getting drunk is apparently rudimentary for a job at I-won,t-say-the-name-lest-I-get-sued-over-the-internet.

2.I haven’t gotten any news on YWAM dude. Banana man! I want to do somthing back for humanity pleeeeaassee?

 I want to say something but like noone would get it at all. But HEY! No one reads this shit so i’m good to go. I can’t figure alot of stuff out right now and it scares me that I’m so lost when I should have half the world figured out by now(right. i’m totally exaggerating) Still. It scares me and this time next year if I’m still bumming round at home well that wouldn’t be much of a life lived would it? I want to travel  now and become well, bordering on alcoholic and I need money. URGH. I’ve never complained you know just admitted my state of wealth and learned to live within my means but now I’m  really pissed off that I can’t just say I wanna go switzerland and well, just go! You know without money or any kinda benefit that comes with money you better have something right? Goodlooks/charm/intelligence/or some talent, at least. well Big Guy thanks for the huge cosmic joke cause I sure as hell ain’t got any of those things and I don’t see money coming out from my ears.

Whatever, this is bodering on angst and I’m way too old for that.

it’s sealed.

just once.

Love so amazing, so divine.
Demands my soul, love demands my soul
My life. My all.

I’m sorry.

if there’s somebody calling me on, she’s the one.

I’ll miss you but gtg do the whole guaranteeing a normal future thing.

Seeya in a bit.

…We were one
We were free

a dollar tucked inside my shoe.

Struggling to focus while studying at my table. Hate econs so much its filled with words and terms tt I’m soo not familiar with. Then, on the radio came on my fave song: Rhinestone Cowboy by Glen Campbell. Ahh.. It was so nice and comforting as if the universe was looking out for me y’know a gentle pat on my shoulder, someone trying to tell me to hang in there.

Somehow though I want to have stronger faith the little I have is peppered with doubts so overwhelming they cloud any form of trust or hope that’s left. I know he IS love but well there’ll always be buts for me- always:)